Marrying a Chicago Girl
Three friends married women from different parts of the country.....
The first man married a woman from Utah . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean houseand dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from California . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Chicago . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Letter from Grandma
From my inbox:
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-son,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...". I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Je----, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
The Change
I'm not the author, but this sure mirrors my feelings. The last line might become my new motto.
From my inbox-
- The American people elect a president with a total of 142 days experience as a US Senator from the most politically-corrupt state in America whose governor is ousted from office. The President's first official act is to order the close of Gitmo and make sure terrorists civil rights are not violated. (He screwed up!!)
- The U.S. Congress rushes to confirm Attorney General, Eric Holder, whose law firm we later find out represents seventeen Gitmo Terrorists. (An honest mistake!)
- The CIA Boss appointee, Leon Panetta, has absolutely no experience, has a daughter Linda we find out, who is a true radical anti-American activist and a supporter of all the Anti-American regimes in the western hemisphere. (There were socio-economic factors involved!)
- We got the most corrupt female in America as Secretary of State; bought and paid for. (You can put lipstick on a pig, but it will still have cankles!)
- We got a Tax Cheat for Treasury Secretary who files his own taxes. (He misspoke!)
- A Commerce Secretary nominee who withdrew due to corruption charges. (Another honest mistake???)
- A Tax cheat nominee for Chief Performance Officer who withdrew under charges. (Hmmm... another screw-up?)
- A Labor Sec'y nominee who withdrew under charges of unethical conduct. (Ok, maybe this person was just plain stupid)
- A Sec'y HHS nominee who withdrew under charges of cheating on his taxes. (I'm running out of excuses for these idiots!!)
- Multiple appointments of former lobbyists after an absolute campaign statement that no lobbyists would be appointed. (Dear God, I need a drink!)
And that's just the first three weeks. . . but who's counting? America is being run by the modern-day Three Stooges ~ Barrack, Nancy , and Hilary ~ and they are still trying to define stimulus..."it's spending"...AND FOR US IN NEVADA LET'S NOT LEAVE OUT HARRY REID-DEE
The congress passes the $800,000,000,000 (that's $800 billion) pork loaded spending bill where the government gives you a smidgen of your tax dollars ($13 per week) making you feel so good about yourself [stimulated] that you want to run out to Wal-Mart and buy a new Chinese-made HDTV and go home and watch Telemundo! And how about those 9000 earmarks that Obamaramadingdong said he would not support? I guess he just forgot to read the bill before he signed it. (Make it a double!)
Yee-haw!!! Only in America , what a country... We are lost... Here's the good news though... Obama took Air Force One to Denver to sign the stimulus package, wasting as much as 10,000 gallons of fuel. And then He took it to Los Angeles to appear on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, all on taxpayer money. I guess our money is no object! Don't you just love this guy?
In these times "I'll keep my God, my freedom, my gun and my money. You can keep "THE CHANGE".
New element discovered!
From my inbox:
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 - 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as GovernmentiumAr since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
The Chicken
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA : The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken had to cross the road because he was not able to find a bridge. Alaskans do not build bridges to nowhere. If he wanted a bridge, he'd have to build it himself.
HILLARY CLINTON : When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty ! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one?
Awesome pictures
From my inbox this weekend...
Two of nature's most spectacular forces produced an incredible brew in the skies ofChile as a volcanic eruption met a lightning storm. Tons of dust and ash from the eruption of the Chaitïn volcano poured into the night sky just as an electric storm passed overhead. The resulting collision created a spectacular sight as lightning flickered around the dust cloud amid the orange glow of the volcano.
The eruption was all the more spectacular because the Chaitïn volcano,800 miles (1,290km)south of Santiago,has been dormant for hundreds - if not thousands - of years. The Patagonian volcano began erupting on Friday and the 12-mile-high plume has left vast tracts of land coated with a layer of ash.
And from National Geographic:
May 6, 2008After 9,000 years of silence, Chile's Chaitin volcano (pictured on May 3) is erupting with lava, ash and lightning (full story).
Since the volcano awoke on May 2, it has continued erupting intermittently, blanketing the area in ash and forcing more than 4,000 people to flee.The mingling of lightning and ash seen above may be a "dirty thunderstorm."
The little-understood storms may be sparked when rock fragments, ash, and ice particles in the plume collide to produce static charges just as ice particles collide to create charge in regular thunderstorms.
I can't help but think of creation when I look at images like this... Lightning, clouds of dust, fire... It had to be an unbelievable sight to see the world come into existence.
Thanks, God, for giving us opportunities like this to see your awesome power over nature.
Smooth Jesus
I got an email from a friend today with a picture of Jesus. Take a look at this...
I don't know about you, but Jesus is looking pretty smooth.
Yeah, I got this lamb, and I died for your sins. You dig?
It amazes me how cheesy people can make this stuff and how many people actually like it...
My $.02
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